Forgiveness: Letting go of control and shame

Lately I have been haunted by some decisions I’ve made in my past. Sometimes we find ourselves in situations we never thought we would be in. We ask ourselves how did I get here? I know in my own experiences I felt like I should have known better. I should have done better, and with that comes the feeling of shame. Ashamed of my decisions and where they led me. Ashamed of the life I’ve been living as a result. Ashamed when I make the same bad decisions repeatedly. Ashamed that I let certain people hurt me or have power over me. Then because of that shame I cope by trying to control everything around me either to distract myself or to avoid feeling the pain. I’ve attempted to control my life and the people in it only to find out that it didn’t fix anything and just made things worse. Now I’m learning how to actually cope with my pain and let go of the shame attached to it. We all make mistakes, and forgiving ourselves and others is one of the hardest things to do. We sometimes feel like we don’t deserve it or other people don’t deserve it. We sometimes feel like we will never get better or other people will never get better. One thing I’ve been learning lately is how to let go of control. It’s not an easy task especially when I’m so used to controlling every situation I possibly can. The truth is, no matter how much you “feel” in control...you’re not. Learning to let go of my plans and my control and letting God’s plan unfold has been my biggest task lately. God has taken away all of my distractions leaving me with the root of the problem. I am currently letting go and allowing myself to heal while trying to be patient with myself, God, and other people. It’s hard not having all of the answers, but I know God has good things in store for me. I just have to trust it. 

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